Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes "says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
Yes, yes, I did...”
The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times......just put me down for a five."
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I really don't remember much after that."
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
After a particularly bad round of golf, Robert decided not to go to the nineteenth hole [the clubhouse bar] and started to go straight home.As he was walking to the golf car park to get his Range Rover, a policeman stopped him and asked', Did you tee off on the seventeenth hole about twenty minutes ago?' 'Yes', Robert answered 'Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and out of bounds and completely off the golf course?' 'Yes, I did. How did you know?' Robert questioned. 'Well', said the policeman gravely', Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?' Robert thought it over very carefully and responded', I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.'
Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep, and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes...I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
While sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Padraig remarked to a fellow club member', I'm not going to play golf with Jim Lawler anymore. He cheats.' 'Why do you say that?' asked his friend.’ Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green', replied Padraig indignantly.’ That’s entirely possible', commented his friend.’ Not when I had his golf ball in my pocket', retorted Padraig with finality.
A solo golfer joins another early one morning. They both hit the par 3 green with their tee shot and start heading up towards the flag. A little dog follows them all the way.
"Is that your dog?" the solo golfer asks.
"Yep, I know the owners, they don't mind as long as it's early."
They get to the green and the dog's owner drains a nice 30 footer for birdie. The dog stands on its hind legs and barks twice.
"That's impressive! What does he do when you miss?"
"Somersaults." the owner calmly replied.
"Somersaults?? That’s incredible! How many can he do??"
"Depends how hard I kick him."
A young fellow from a poor family would often take a bus to the nearest golf course and after the course was closed, would walk through all the roughs, sand traps, and water traps to find as many lost golf balls as he could, then sell them at his yard sale to raise money for his family. One day, both of his front pockets were jammed with golf balls from his trip to the golf course as he rode the bus home. He sat in the front seat, and seated in the front seat across from him, sat a woman with two bags of groceries in her arms. She kept staring at the large bulges in his front pockets, which made him increasingly uncomfortable. Finally, their eyes met, and he smiled at her as he pointed to the bulges in his pants, and said, "Golf balls." She returned his smile and nodded, then asked him, “Is that anything likes tennis elbow?"
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
A golfer was on vacation in
The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my weeny a bit larger?" Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.
After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish. The player asked, "Could ya make my legs a bit longer?
On a golf tour in
"Top of the morning' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?", asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on", says Tiger.
"Well Jesus, Mary, and Joseph", says the Irishman, "BMW really tinks of everything!"
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